Doubts & Desires Read online

  But on walking into the empty café the next day, she’d felt overwhelmed again. She’d woken to a text from Jack. He’d simply asked her to call him, but at the thought of talking to him, a sense of dread descended on her like a dark cloud. He had a way of twisting her around so that she always seemed to end up agreeing with him, going along with what he wanted. She had resolved not to talk to him again without a lawyer by her side, but his text had felt too close, as if she hadn’t run quite far enough from him.

  Now it was Saturday evening, getting toward dark, and pouring rain—not surprising for Oregon at this time of year. Merilee had spent most of the day in and around Portland picking up supplies for the café. She’d hit up the restaurant supply store in the city, then a big-box home repair store on the outskirts, and had picked up a banner that Celia had ordered for her at a print shop that, naturally, hadn’t been anywhere near anything else. It had been an exhausting—and expensive—day.

  If the weather hadn’t been so bad, and if she hadn’t felt so tired, anxious and hungry, she might have appreciated the countryside as she drove through it. Wide-open green fields were ringed in the distance by blue mountains, and there was hardly any traffic on the road. She’d passed a van a couple of miles back, but otherwise had seen almost no one once she was off the highway. Maybe the natives weren’t stupid enough to go out driving in the weather, she thought as she bumped the windshield wipers up to a higher speed.

  She passed a sign for Silverweed Falls—only fifteen more miles. But, she thought, she still had work to do at the café. She should unload her car there and at least get her new shelving units set up. And she still had to see about dinner—she was starving now. The irony of owning a restaurant yet not having any dinner to look forward to was just crossing her mind when something streaked across the road in front of her.

  She slammed on the brakes and felt the car swerve alarmingly beneath her. Instinctively, she pulled the wheel back toward the center of the road, but the car refused to obey her commands. She felt it slide toward the side of the road, completely out of her control. Suddenly it gave a sickening lurch, tilted to the side and came to an abrupt, jarring stop.

  For a moment, she was disoriented. Everything, including her, was at an angle. She wasn’t hurt, but she was leaning strongly to her right, and it took a great deal of effort to stay upright and not fall into the passenger seat. It took her a moment to get her bearings before she realized she’d slid into the wide drainage ditch at the side of the road. She wasn’t hurt, but she could tell from the angle of the car that there was no way she was going to drive out of it on her own. She’d need a tow truck, and she’d have to pray that the car hadn’t been too smashed up.

  She thought of the several dozen ceramic coffee cups she’d just bought, and groaned. Had they been packed well enough to survive a crash? If they hadn’t, would they be covered by insurance?

  First things first, she thought. Call a tow truck. She groped for her purse, but it had slid off the passenger’s seat and onto the floor. She tried to reach it, but it was in the ditch-end of the car, and she had to lean down and over. She unbuckled her seatbelt and lurched over the center console, making a desperate grab for it, but it was just out of reach. She could climb over to the other seat to get it, but suddenly the thought of doing one more thing seemed completely overwhelming.

  She leaned her head against the window and started to cry.

  ***

  Adam saw the small silver car lose control and watched helplessly as it slid into the ditch on the side of the road. He’d thought the driver had been going a little fast when the car had passed him a couple of miles earlier; in this kind of rain, it paid to be cautious.

  He brought his van to a halt at the side of the road, alarmed that there was no activity from the car. The lights were still on and there was no sign of anyone trying to get out. Were they conscious? He grabbed a flashlight from his glove compartment and jumped out of the van. He was already wet by the time he reached it.

  He knocked on the driver’s side window. “Hey! You okay in there?” he yelled. He shined the flashlight on the window and was rewarded with movement within. The window slid down and, to his surprise, it was Merilee, her face streaked with tears.

  “Are you hurt?” he asked, an unexpected bolt of fear going through him.

  She shook her head sadly. “No, I’m okay,” she sniffed quietly, not moving. “I think a dog ran in front of the car.”

  Adam’s flashlight beam glistened on the wet asphalt as he looked around. “A coyote, maybe. You didn’t hit anything.” He looked back to her. “You sure you’re not hurt?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” she said listlessly.

  Despite this assurance, he grew alarmed. The pale, passive woman in the front seat was so different from the bubbly, enthusiastic woman he’d spent the afternoon with just two days earlier that he knew something was wrong.

  “Do you want to get out? You can sit in my van while we call a tow truck.”

  She stared ahead blankly for a moment, then nodded slowly. “I need to get my purse. It’s got my phone in it,” she said, but she didn’t make a move to get it.

  “Come on,” he said gently, “you’ve had a shock. Let’s just get you out of the car and we’ll deal with your purse in a moment. You can use my phone. Can you unlock the door for me?”

  She seemed to come a bit more to life and clicked the door to unlock it.

  He opened it and she started to pull herself up and out. Bracing himself against the car, Adam managed to get his arm around her waist to help her. They took a few steps away from the car, his arm still around her waist, before she just stopped, then turned back to look blankly at the car.

  “Are you really okay?” he asked, looking down at her heart-shaped face with concern.

  “I’m fine,” she said, so quiet that he could barely hear her. “Just been a bad day is all.”

  “Days that end up with your car in a ditch usually aren’t the best,” he observed, and to his relief, he heard her laugh drily in response. “Come on, let’s get you into the van.”

  He helped her into the passenger’s seat of the van, then got in himself on the driver’s side. “Let me call a friend of mine. Runs a towing company in town. Takes AAA and most insurance.”

  “Thanks, that would be great,” she nodded, not looking at him. He was still worried by her demeanor and not completely convinced she hadn’t been injured. But maybe she was just still in shock from the accident. That was normal, he told himself.

  He placed a quick call to Sam, explaining the situation and telling him where they were. Sam promised he’d be there as quickly as possible.

  “Okay, 20 minutes or so before Sam gets here,” Adam said, putting the phone back in his pocket. “Now, are you sure you’re not hurt? You’re looking real pale.”

  She nodded, but sniffed again, and her lower lip started to tremble. “Do you have any tissues?” she asked.

  He leaned across her to the glove compartment and found a small package of tissues, which he handed to her.

  “I’m not hurt,” she assured him, dabbing at her tears. “It’s just … it just feels like the last straw, you know? I spent all day, and tons of money, buying things for the café, and half of it’s probably wrecked. I just… I don’t know what I’m doing.”

  “Of course you know what you’re doing. You ran a café before, right?” he reminded her.

  “Yeah, we called it Beans. But my partner took care of stuff like this. Got the supplies, hired the contractors. I took care of feeding people and making them feel at home. That’s what I was good at. All this behind-the-scenes crap? I didn’t have to deal with it, and I feel like I’m sinking. My grand opening is in a week and nothing’s ready, but the ads are already placed, so I have to open next week. And now I don’t even have a car!” She was starting to cry again.

  Adam had never been much good at dealing with emotional people, especially women, and he
felt a strange mix of protectiveness and alarm. More than anything, he wanted her to stop crying. “It’s going to be okay,” he assured her, patting her shoulder clumsily. “You have it a lot more under control than you give yourself credit for.”

  “I still have so much to do!” she hiccupped. “I was going to unload all this stuff and try to get the shelves built tonight, but I’m exhausted, and I haven’t even been grocery shopping for myself, and I didn’t eat lunch today. I’m just a mess.” She turned to him suddenly. “What are you doing out here anyway?” she asked.

  He grinned at the sudden change of topic. “I was on my way home. My farm’s just another half mile down the road. Here, I think I have a granola bar around here somewhere. Let’s see if we can’t at least feed you something. Maybe some blood sugar would help you feel better.”

  He leaned over toward the glove compartment again, this time aware of how close he had to lean toward her to reach it, and was able to extract a granola bar.

  She managed a smile as he handed it to her. “Tissues, granola bars … that’s like the magic glove compartment,” she said with a laugh. “I don’t suppose you have an assistant café manager who’s good at building shelves stashed away in there, too?”

  He smiled, happy to hear that her sense of humor was returning. “Listen, I can help you out. If it’s building things or repairing things, I’m on it. Running a farm is pretty much one big home maintenance project.”

  “You were such a big help on Thursday, but I’m sure you’re really busy,” she objected, though he didn’t miss the hopeful look in her eyes as she glanced quickly at him.

  “As long as my cows are fed and milked, anything else can wait, at least until after your grand opening,” he promised her. He winked. “At Hartmann Farms, we take care of our customers.”

  Her smile was stronger now. “Thanks. I may take you up on that.”

  “No problem. Why don’t I plan on coming in tomorrow and you can just put me to work?”

  “Okay,” she said slowly. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

  It was getting dark now. The rain still fell against the window, but it wasn’t coming down as hard now. Silence fell between them. Adam looked at Merilee’s profile in the fading light and suddenly pictured himself cupping her small chin in his hand and turning her heart-shaped face toward him. He remembered those rosebud lips curving around the spoon and imagined pressing his own lips to them …

  But his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a horn and a sudden flash of headlights. Sam and his tow truck had arrived.

  Chapter Four

  It didn’t take long for Sam to pull the car out of the ditch, but he advised against driving it. “Looks like the rear axle took a hit,” he pointed out. “I can tow it to Scotty’s repair shop in town. They’re closed tomorrow, but I’m sure they can get to it first thing on Monday. Shouldn’t take more than a day or two.”

  Merilee groaned. Sunday was supposed to have been her day to finish getting the kitchen in shape. “I’ve got a ton of stuff I need for the restaurant in there.” She nodded at the battered car. “Are you sure I couldn’t drive it, just into town? It’s only a few miles.”

  Adam stepped in. “Merilee, don’t worry about it. Let’s load it all up into my truck and I’ll bring it to the café tomorrow. I’m coming in anyway, so it’s no problem.”

  “You sure?” Merilee looked at him hopefully. Just the thought of knowing that she wasn’t in it completely alone, made her feel more confident.

  “Sure. Sam, will you give me a hand?”

  Merilee pitched in, as well, and it took them only a few minutes to transfer the boxes from her car to the back of Adam’s van.

  “You want me to give you a ride into town?” Sam asked Merilee when they were done.

  “Don’t worry about it, Sam,” Adam said quickly. “I can give her a lift. Thanks for coming out.”

  “Yeah, no problem. Nice to meet you, Merilee. Scotty’s auto. Give ’em a call first thing on Monday and see what they say about your car.”

  Merilee turned to Adam as Sam drove off into the dark night. “You don’t mind driving me home? Do you want to unload everything at the café?”

  “Actually …” Adam walked over to the van and opened the door for her, “I was wondering if you’d let me cook dinner for you. My house is just a couple minutes from here, and it sounds like you’ve had a pretty rough day. Maybe let someone else do the serving for a little bit. I’ll take you straight home if you’d prefer, but it’s still another 20 minutes into town. Come home with me and you’ll be eating a hot meal in half an hour.”

  Merilee looked up at his handsome face and caught just a hint of anxiety there. Was he asking her on a date? Was he afraid she’d say no? She would have happily leaped at the chance of a date with him, but exhausted, tear-stained and soaking wet as she was, she didn’t really feel like she was at her most date-worthy.

  “I’m kind of a mess,” she said apologetically.

  He shrugged. “Me, too, now. I’ll cook and you can get a hot shower. My sister left some clothes. I bet some of them would fit you. I’m afraid if I take you home to change, most of the places in town will be closed by the time you’re ready. We close things down early on Saturday nights around here.”

  “Well …” She hesitated. Honestly, the thought of a hot shower now rather than half an hour from now, and a meal waiting for her when she got out, was too tempting. She didn’t want to put him to any trouble—but he sounded like he really wanted her to come over. For a moment earlier, before Sam had appeared, she’d thought that maybe, just maybe, he’d been thinking about kissing her. Perhaps this was a date.

  And even if it wasn’t, she was game to let someone else do the cooking for once.

  “Thank you. That would be lovely,” she answered.

  Adam grinned at her, got in the door, and they drove off.

  ***

  Adam’s farmhouse was bigger, more modern and much cleaner than she would have thought. She didn’t have much experience with farms, but she had to believe that dairy farms were muddy, at best.

  The house, however, was as neat as a pin and clean enough to pass the most rigorous health inspection. The downstairs was a large open-plan room with a modern kitchen area, a dining table and a cozy living room with a couch and some chairs grouped around a fireplace. The walls were a blond wood, while the floors were made of somewhat darker wooden planks. The overall atmosphere was rustic, but comfortable and relaxed. She fell in love with it immediately.

  “It’s beautiful!” she exclaimed. “When you said this had been your grandparents’ farm, I figured it would be really old. Which is fine, I like old things. But this looks brand new.”

  Adam nodded. “We had a fire about 20 years ago, and my parents rebuilt the house. The original one was kind of fun to grow up in, but it was a lot of maintenance for my parents. This one is a lot more comfortable, and it doesn’t come with nearly as many problems. The cattle shed goes back to the 1950’s, though. That’s a constant work in progress. Something always needs to be fixed out there.”

  “Maybe I could come back sometime and see it all in the daylight,” Merilee suggested, hoping she didn’t sound too forward.

  “Yeah, I’d love to show you around,” Adam smiled at her. “But for now, let’s get you a shower and some dry clothes.” He led her upstairs. “There’s the bathroom, and here’s my sister’s old room.” He pulled open a few drawers. “Okay, nothing glamorous, but it’s dry.” He tossed a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt and a wooly sweater on the bed before digging around a bit more and pulling out a pair of sweat socks. “Don’t want your feet getting cold. I’ll leave a clean towel for you in the bathroom.”

  “What about you? Don’t you want to change, too?”

  He nodded. “I’m going to get some dry clothes on, then I’ll get dinner started. Just come down whenever you’re ready.”

  It felt strangely intimate to be shower
ing in Adam’s house, but the soothing heat of the water soon washed away any awkwardness. She relaxed into the steam, thanking her lucky stars that Adam had come by when he did, and that she was here, warm and safe and looking forward to a nice dinner with an attractive man, rather than scarfing take-out in between unloading the shelves and trying to put them together. For the moment, she felt like she could put the café and all its problems aside and just enjoy what was right in front of her. Tomorrow, she could get back to work—now with the additional task of calling the car insurance company—but for now, she would indulge in some much-needed R&R.

  Adam’s sister’s sweatpants and t-shirt were a touch snug, but the sweater covered her up nicely, so she didn’t feel too self-conscious. She’d had some lipstick and eyeliner in her purse, and she’d done what she could makeup-wise, but overall it was kind of nice to have a reason to not worry about her looks.

  After studying herself in the mirror for several minutes, she decided she was just postponing the walk downstairs. There was an odd fluttering in her stomach that made her think of first-date jitters. It was a funny first date, wearing Adam’s sister’s old clothes and simply going downstairs, but it still felt momentous, as if she was at that perfectly new point in a relationship, where anything could happen.

  Chapter Five

  Merilee came down the stairs so quietly that Adam didn’t hear her until she stepped on the last, squeaky step.

  He looked up from the cutting board and gave her a broad smile. “You look great.”

  She laughed. “Thanks. You, too.”

  Adam had taken advantage of being on his home territory to shave, but he’d otherwise tried to stay casual, not wanting to out-dress Merilee. He wore his favorite sweater—a still-new dark green one that his mother had given him for Christmas—and his favorite jeans, which were old, faded and frayed, but very comfortable.